Welcome to Kinetics, Biyach
by Tea Cozys and Jumpers
Summary: 10 Hogwarts students get sent on a foreign exchange program to an American Wizard school. Expect sluts, wannabes, stalkers, and other bits of randomness, including some MBGG action, but mostly HGRW.
1. I'm Hot Enough for All of Us

Chapter 1: I'm Hot Enough for All of Us

A/N: This is not to be taken in seriousness at all. Everything is taken to the extreme. We use total stereotypes but as you notice this is in the humor section. We are born and bred in California and know that real people are not like this. We are also sorry if we offend any British or Australian people also. We are not trying to sound authentic, we are trying to go to a ridiculous extreme. If you want us to stop using any such words just tell us and we will be happy to fix it in future chapter.

P.S. No, we seriously live in California. We were born at John Muir Hospital. Is that proof enough for you? The plot is very non-existant in the beginning, but don't worry, there is a point. **If you don't like it, don't read it!**

Disclaimer:We don't know Harry Potter.

**Hermione POV**

Oh my goodness! I honestly cannot believe that I have the opportunity to be immersed in a vastly different culture. It's been ages since I've been to America, I'll learn so much. Did you know that American wizards….

"What's the mudblood doing here?"

Oh great, Malfoy.

**Malfoy POV**

I walked into the London floo point to America, only to find Granger using up all my good pureblood air.

"What's the mudblood doing here?" I thought aloud, but apparently too loud because Granger looked up and glared at me.

How can some filthy mudblood be allowed to come with **_me_** on this exclusive trip? Well, at least Potty and Weasel aren't here. Oh, damn! I smell disgrace It must the "dynamic duo." Well, I look hot enough for all of us, so it'll all even out in the end.

"Ron! Hurry up, we're gonna miss the group!" I heard Potter yell.

"I'm going as fast as I bloody can. It's too early for me to be doing this much exercise."

**Ron POV**

Why is Harry making me run so damn fast! It's not **_MY_** fault we had to see Ginny off at her floo point to Japan. I bloody didn't ask her to sign up for this bloody trip. Mum and Dad thought it would be a "_good experience_" to go. Well, the only good it did was bloody piss me off!

"Harry, slow down! We're not that late!" suddenly Harry stopped abruptly and I ran right into him.

"Ouch! Ron, watch where you're going."

"Sorry, but you shouldn't stop in front of me like that." I said as I began to get up. "Why did you stop anyway?"

All Harry did was point in disgust. At the other end of the nearly empty corridor were Millicent, Crabbe, and Goyle lumbering in to the floo point.

"I can't believe that Dumbledore's letting… _them _come. Seriously, it's a disgrace to all wizarding… oh fuck that, all human **_AND_** ape kind. What is Dumbledore smoking and where can I get some?" I said to Harry.

**Goyle POV**

"Grunt. Grunt." Where am I? I just woke up. Where's my bed. My head hurts. There's Crabbe… right next to me. And look at her it's… it's… _she's_ so beautiful. Ugh! It's Millicent Bulstrode. Nasty thoughts, bad thoughts, get out of my head.

"Malfoy? What are you doing here? Where am I? I'm not supposed to meet you for tea until Saturday. That's what mummy says."

"Goyle, you are a complete oaf! You're at the bloody floo point in London – stop being such as fat, ugly git. We're going to California."

"What about school?"

"Get the bloody hell away from me!"

"But what about tea?"

"Don't mention it," he hissed in utter disgust. Nobody will answer my questions. I need a cry. I'm so confused. They make me feel stupid.

**Harry POV**

Yes! I just realized, no Snape for a whole… well long time. No slimy, oily, ugly git! I could sing, but I won't. The downside to this trip: Malfoy and his Slytherin posse. Dumbledor must be high or something. Haven't I been through enough? Aren't I doing to go through enough? But noooooooooo! Dumbledore sends Malfoy, **_Malfoy_**, of all people on this trip with **_ME_**!

Where is everyone else? It's time to leave. I wonder who the other 3 people are… hmmm… oh, there's Hermione. Oh god, Ron's trying to flirt… again. Those two seriously need their senses knocked back into them. Hermione's a smart (very smart) witch, why can't see it? Errrr….

"Hey Hermione, how's it going?"

"Harry!" Hermione jumped up and hugged me waaaaaaaaay too tight.

"Her… mi… o…. ne… I can't… breathe!"

"Oh, sorry," she giggled before she let go

Much better…

"I'm just so excited about this trip. Did you know that American wizards…."

Oh no, a lecture. Typical, typical Hermione, giving a lecture when we should be having fun. Not that having Malfoy on this trip is fun, but… it could be worse. I mean, Pansy could be here and what can be worse then that?

Hey it's the crackpot… I mean the honorable Albus Dumbledore.

"Ah, yes, yes. It's almost time for our departure. 1...2…3…4…5…6…7…, where are Misses Parkinson and Brown and Mister Longbottom? They shouldn't be late for such an important matter."

Oh shit.

**Pansy POV**

It was 8:06 and as always I was fashionably late. I bet everyone was waiting on pins and needles for my beautiful self. Mum said this would be an "_educational experience_," but I'm just going for the hot Californian guys.

Here I am at the **_London Floo Point_** to California. There's Malfoy. "Hiiiiiiii, Malfoy!" Damn, is he hot, just the guy to set off my beautiful new highlights. Ew! It's Granger, she'll bring down our English class with her terrible, ugly, brown nest. Ugh! There's Potty, Weasel, Bulstrode, Crabbe, Goyle… hey I'm not the last person here! This is an outrage! Honestly…

"Miss Parkinson, please take a seat while we wait for Miss Brown and Mr. Longbottom."

Why those little… errrrr… there's the bitch now. How dare she be fashionable later than me? Me!

**Lavender POV**

"Ahhh, making a grand entrance I see," remarked that Parkinson cow.

"Of course," God, not one of them is dateable, how come Seamus isn't here. Thank goodness Longbottom isn't going on this trip. He'll act all clingy and clueless which will totally affect my social status because it is such a turn-off to new people.

"Well, now we must wait for Mr. Longbottom." Great. Really. Thank goodness for those hot American boys…

Crash Neville Longbottom came running through tripping over his own two feet. He held his stomach and was gasping for air.

"Sorry… I'm… late… won't…happen…again." What a helpless boy. He is unbelievably close to being a Squib. Neville is nice and all, but… rolls eyes

**Neville POV**

I'm late, but it's not like I wanted to go on this trip. See, Grams goes off and ships me away just as I'm getting used to Hogwarts. Sure, I'm in my 6th year, but it's not like they have a map of the school. You have to learn about those things all by yourself.

As I rushed into the room, I fell on the ground – hard. I looked up and Hermione shot me a look of sympathy and disapproval. Harry, Dumbledore, and Ron looked slightly amused. Everyone else rolled their eyes as I slinked into a chair.

**Millicent POV**

Goyle is looking at me strange. It's kinda creepy. Step away slowly.


	2. It's an Early Christmas Present

A/N: Hey, this is our first fan fic, hope you guys like it. We were gonna put the note in the first chapter, but we're stupid, so we put it here. Just so you guys know, we are indeed Americans… who live in California… in an area much like this. So basically, we're making fun of our own ppl and don't want to offend anyone. Feel free to criticize this, we love **_constructive_ **criticism.

**Chapter 2: It's an Early Christmas Present**

**Malfoy POV**

We made it to America and I didn't die when Neville flooed on top of me. Honestly, who would allow **_HIM_** to go on this trip, he's an embarrassment _and_ he's fat. His ass alone could count as a whole other person. It's really rather nasty.

Pansy's been clinging on to me this whole time. You would have expected her to let go of my arm once we got to this school, but no. She spent all summer babbling about those "hot American boys," but when we get here, she won't let go of my arm. Then again I'm dead sexy. Who wouldn't want a piece of this?

**Ron POV**

Did Malfoy just slap his ass!

**Malfoy POV**

I think Weasley just saw me touch my ass, but he would be staring at my naturally rock hard ass. I always knew he was a bit of a queer, because he's constantly trying to flirt with the Mudblood.

"Welcome to Kinetic," a fat old guy greeted us. "I'm Principal Jensen," stupid Americans, "I do hope you enjoy your stay here. To guide you all around is Rosalynn Kather,"

Not bad

"Issac Mosely,"

One word… dork. Hey he kinda looks like Weasley, must be the red hair and freckles,

"Piper Collins,"

She looks exactly like Granger, if Granger was actually hot,

"and Bradford Parsons III."

Ok, freaky, he looks like Potter.

"Please get acquainted while I announce your arrival to the other students. Oh and all the err… Griffie – whatchamacallums are in the Lincon House with Rosalynn and Slythi - madoodles in the Washington House with Mosely, Collins, and Parsons."

Finally, the evil golden trio.

**Rosalynn POV**

OMG! The red head is soooo incredibly hot! Not that dork, Mosely, but the British one. OMG! OMG! OMG! I'm gonna faint. He looked at me!

"Ummm… hey," the boy with jet black hair said, "I'm Harry Potter."

""No one cares, Potter," the blonde one said.

"Shut it Malfoy!" the redhead said. Damn! What a hot voice. "I'm Ron Weasley."

"Hi," I managed to gasp.

"Hermione Granger," the ugly one said.

This is gonna be a good year.

**Hermione POV**

I had taken the liberty to introduce myself to my new fellow students. After all I **_would _** be spending a year in their company. "Hello, umm… Bradford III."

"What up? Am I'm not Bradford, the name is B – Rad."

"Umm… well, okay… _B – Rad_. Interesting name," I casually walked away and decided just to call him Parsons. I really don't think I can bring myself to say his name again without bursting out in a fit of laughter.

**Issac POV**

That Harry Potter kid is quite different then I imagined. I simply asked him if he would like to go to the library and he declined. I said, "That's okay old chap," and patted him on the back

He said, "Kindly take your hand off my back. Hermione Granger, the girl with the bushy brown hair would love to go with you though. It's really like her second home."

I was so excited. I walked at a brisk pace instead of my usually leisurely stroll over to her.

**Ron POV**

Hey, where's Hermione going? And she's going with that guy. He makes one wrong move and I swear he'll be unconscious faster than you can say Supercalifradulis… never mind.

"Harry! What did that American guy say to you?"

"He wanted to know if I'd go to the library with him. I told him no, but I told him to ask Hermione."

I was in shock. Why would she go with a guy who will be rooming with the Slytherins? It's betrayal that is.

"Hey, Ron…" this voice sent chills up my spine. I turned around only to find that girl. She's about 5'4" with light brown hair and deep chocolate eyes. What's her name again…

"Ummm… hi, Rachel was it?"

"My name's Rosalynn, but you can call me whatever you want."

Wow! Freaky!

"Soooo… how's the food here?" What! It's the only thing I could think of.

"It's alright," she shrugged. Has she blinked yet? Honestly, she just keeps staring at me. Creepy…

**Piper POV**

I thought British boys were, like, supposed to be, like, you know, hot. Seriously, none of them are. Well, except for the blonde one… Draco. There's, like, the famous one… Harry (I wonder if he's rich too, cuz that would improve his status greatly), the fat one… Neil or something, the two body guard - ish guys… Crabbe and Goyle (Points for Malfoy, he's got his own bodyguards… _must_ be rich), and the tall redhead… Ron, but it looks like Rosalynn's got a thing for him. Although if I had him I'd see little Rosie in pain and I love seeing Rosie in pain.

Ahhhh! Here comes that girl that is permanently attached to him arm. Damn, and I thought they were just Siamese twins. Well, I could always have fun torturing her.

"Are you looking at Draco, cuz he's mine," the girl said.

"Oh pulezz. He's about as interested in you as I am. Why don't you attach yourself to the dumb one… Crabbe."

"Malfoy is mine, bitch," was all she could say.

I yawned. "Bring it!"

"Oh, it's already been brought!" another voice said.

Everyone stopped their conversations and looked at the girl with waaaaaaay too much make – up on… Lavender.

"What? I saw it in a movie once."

**Pansy POV**

That whore's freaking trying to steal Draco from me. I can't believe it. I didn't want him all that much, but then I started seeing some of the guys. Yuck! Like, that Issac guy, he looks exactly like Weasley… which is far from even remotely hot.

But that whore wants **_My_** Draco and that, that's just not gonna happen, unless hell freezes over. Now I'm never going to let go of Draco's arm.

**Malfoy POV**

Pansy won't let go of my arm!

**Bradford POV**

"I guess we should show them the dorms," I yawned and whispered to Piper, "Stop messing with that girl. Pity her… she is hella ugly."

"But it's sooo much fun. She is too ugly to pity. This way to the dorms Slythererboodles..." Piper got cut off by one of the gorilla – men. I think he's Crabbe.

"We are Slytherins."

"Whatever, is it, like, true cookies are called biscuits in, like, the UK?"

"Food," He grunted in return. He seriously needs to lose some pounds. I'll recommend him my diet, the Atkins diet. Maybe then my eyes won't burn whenever I look at him.

"Look, you're fat. I'll tell you that. It's my biz – nat to help you. Go the Atkins way. Low carb. High protein, then all the hot babes will come to you."

**Crabbe POV**

What is biz – nat? It sounds like business, but not. And who the hell is Atkins and why is there a diet named after him?

"I'm hungry. Thinking about food makes me want to eat food…"

"Well, it is about time for dinner. Down 2 floors, turn left, then go straight, then left again," the Bradford kid who says biz – nat told me.

What in the bloody hell is biz – nat?

**Hermione POV**

"Oh, oh its 5:53, time for dinner," Issac said abruptly. Before I could get out of my seat he pulled out my chair for me. What a gentleman.

We just had the most intellectually stimulating conversation about the various similarities and differences of different wizarding cultures.

He led me to the place where we would eat. It was lined with about 8 different tables where you could simply mingle with friends. Ron was already there and cast me many nasty glances. What is wrong with him?

**Ron POV**

Who does this guy think he is? Look he pulled out her chair! Wizarding culters! Is that what Issac is talking to Hermione about… **WIZARDING CULTURES**? I can't believe it. He's a guy. Has he no dignity. He should be here talking to me and Harry about Qudditch.

"Yum! Pasta!"

"Hi Ron."

Oh great Rosalynn.

"Hullo Rosalynn."

Honestly, I think she's stalking me.

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"**WHAT**!"

"Do you…"

"No, I heard you," Wow! That was extremely blunt.

"Well then?"

"Well… ummm… no, but…"

"Do you want one?"

"Ummm… well… yes, but…."

"Great! Now you have one."

"**WHAT**! **WHO**!"

"Me, silly."

Am I in Hell? I think I'm in bloody Hell.

"Well, you see Rosalynn, you're really not my type. Why don't you… talk to… Harry… Harry?"

"What"

"Talk to Rosalynn."

**Rosalynn POV**

How rude! He strings me along and then tells me that I'm not his type. I can be his type, really. I can be anything he wants me to be.

Oh great, I have to talk to this guy.

"Ummm… hello," he said awkwardly.

"Hi," he's not my type. I know he's famous and everything, but… no. "You can go now."

"Oh thank god!"

I had suddenly lost my appetite. Maybe I'm too fat. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm too ugly! Hmmm… I'll figure it out in the safety of my dorm room.

**Harry POV**

I'm so glad to be away from that psycho. Hey! Where'd Neville go? I had a question for him. Oh well, maybe I'll go talk to Lavender.

"Hey Lavender."

"Oh, hello Harry, this is fun isn't it?" she had previously been in deep conversation about boys and make-up with a blonde witch.

"Well, I see that you're busy, I'll go."

"No, it's okay. This is Candice Rhyme. Candice this is Harry Potter."

"**_The_** Harry Potter? Wow! We're learning about you in defense against the dark arts, but I didn't know how young you were."

"Ummm… thanks?"

The blonde girl, Candice, kept staring at me, so I decided to go find someone else to talk to.

**Millicent POV**

I really think that Parson's guy is taking that Atkins thing a little too seriously. Sucks for him. He is such a wimp.

Goyle's looking at me strange. I'm going to give him a piece of my mind, a good beating. It's just an early Christmas present.

**Goyle POV**

She's coming toward me; Millicent (Milly) Bulstrode, that magnificent goddess. Wait, she looks mad. Put on an even madder face, Goyle. Grunt Grunt a little more. "Grunt, grunt," There that's good Goyle, grunt every so often. Put on your tough face. It's so hard she's just gliding so gracefully. Boink She fell down. Is she alright? Milly is making me melt, I must be by her side in her time of need.

"Milly are you alright?"

"Do I look alright?"

"Let me help you up."

"Get the hell away from me and don't call me Milly."

"But my dear punch, uh… I mean Millicent punch" Well she obviously doesn't like me using "my dear" and "Millicent," but Milly is my special name for her. Wait slap own face snap out of it.

Millicent is the same fat ugly (not to mention pimply) git from 2nd year… Millicent is the same fat, ugly, pimply git punch from the punch 2nd year… kick.

I have just one word in mind: OWWWWWWWW!

**Malfoy POV**

"Dude, what is up with your friend?" Parsons asked.

Oh, god! Goyle's getting his ass kicked by a girl. Remind me again why I know him.

"Seriously M – dog," umm… no, "that girl is fucking kicking his ass."

"Ummm… ow," Piper said as she looked up from powdering her nose. Granger should be more like that. "Well, I'm done," did she even eat anything? "I'm going to my room."

"Good idea. Are you coming Malfoy?"

"Oh yeah, Goyle, Crabbe, lets go." It was really pathetic. Millicent had beat the shit out of him. What has gotten into everyone?


	3. Celery and Dating

A/N: First off we'd like to dedicate this chapter to devil's poodle for being our first and only review (we love ice cream and Veronica Mars too -.o) andwe've forgotten todo the disclaimer thingy so... WE DONTOWN ANYTHINGeven if its notHarryPotter related and you regonize it... you can bet thats its probably not ours.

**Chapter 3: Celery and Dating**

**Harry POV**

School has started. First Period, my favorite: potions, well at least no Snape. I might actually understand it this year without oil dripping down my spine.

Ron and I made our way to the "basement" and slid into the table next to Hermione and that American guy, Issac. Ron looked jealous, but also slightly scared. Ron needs to get a life!

"Hey Hermione, ummm… Issac."

"Hullo Harry," Hermione replied as she waved me off.

"We haven't seen you in a while," Ron cut in.

"I'm sorry, but I've finally found someone who doesn't spend their whole life talking about Quidditch and procrastinating on their homework."

"We don't always talk about Quidditch!" Ron protested.

"Food and girls don't count Ronald."

"Come on Ron, we'll talk to Hermione later. We don't have class with them next… errr… period."

Ron just mumbled. If he had asked her out before his jealously could have been avoided.

Here come those girls from yesterday. What were their names? Oh, Piper and Rosalynn.

**Piper POV**

I grabbed Rosalynn, she could distract the red pinhead. I need Potter. The cow deserved a break. She could have Malfoy… for now.

"Hey Potter, so how's your morning going?" I flashed my sexiest smile and showed a little leg.

"Alright, I suppose." Damn, why won't he look over here? What is he looking at… oh never mind.

"Does this robe make my ass look fat?" When in doubt show you ass.

"Umm… no, you look fine to me."

**Harry POV**

This Piper girl is really freaking me out.

"Aww… thanks."

Oh thank God, the teacher's coming!

"Hello, my name is Mr. Ponic and I will be your potions teacher this year." Mr. Ponic is a stout man, he seems very eccentric, a bit like Trelawny.

The rest of the period consisted of us taking notes on various potions and ingredients. Hermion and Issac seemed very interested, Ron seemed jealous.

Suddenly, a man's voice filled the room.

"Holy shit!" I heard Ron say.

"I would like to announce a dance in honor of our exchange students. It will be held on the 16th of September. Please dress casually. That is all."

Weird. What was that?

**Bradford POV**

B – Rad likes dancing. B – Rad likes hanging out will all the ladies. B – Rad thinks that Harry Potter needs to get his ass kicked for ignoring Piper. B – Rad wants Issac to come back to the group. B – Rad is going to fix this, gangsta style.

(A/N he's talking to himself in 3rd person)

**Lavender POV**

A dance! In my honor! Okay, mine and nine other people's honor, but a dance nonetheless. Dress casually. Who thought of that? I have this really stunning purple dress robe that looks fabulous on me. It's a shame all this beauty has to go to waste on casual Muggle clothing… But I guess I could wear that really cute ruffled skirt. I could totally pull it off.

**Hermione POV**

A dance. In our honor. How splendid. Really, it's so joyous. I can tell it will be a repeat of the Yule Ball except casual. Would they mind if I wore my school robes? I expect that Harry and Ron are going to freak out about getting dates. Who will be the next person Ron realizes is a girl? That Collins girl is probably going to ask Harry and Rosalynn will probably follow Ron around. Well, they will be quite preoccupied, so I'll probably go hang out with Issac.

**NevillePOV**

A dance! I have a feeling I'll be going to the hospital.

**Issac POV**

I believe that my loafers and corduroys and suspenders will suit this occasion. Tally – ho!

**Pansy POV**

What the hell is casual dress? Well, I'll be the best looking girl there is anyway, so it doesn't really matter. Now, who will have the honor of taking me to this… dance. I can't let that cow, Piper take my Draco.

I was wandering the halls for about 10 minutes and I ran into "B – Rad." God! He the oddest guy I have ever seen. And what is with that hat. It's like on, but it's crooked. Do American boys have any fashion sense? Do any boys have any fashion sense? I think not.

"You, Pan – z!" Oh god! He's talking to me.

"Hey ummm… B… errrr… Parsons."

"Pan – z, have you seen Piper?"

"Ummm… no why?"

"I wanted to know if Piper's going with Potter."

Ew! Who would go with Potter, but at least if she went with Potter I wouldn't have to compete for Malfoy.

"Parsons, have you seen Malfoy?" please, please I don't want to wander these creepy halls anymore.

"Yeah, Pan – z," please no, "he went to the bathroom, but won't we see him in Transfiguration?"

Oh, yeah, forgot about that.

Buzzzz! The bell.

"You Pan – z, come on. We're gonna be late."

Ew! He touched me.

**Malfoy POV**

I ditched potions. Who needs to learn all that stuff, when can I just pay someone to do it for me? My travels lead me to the boy's bathroom only to find Parsons standing outside. This was awkward.

"You! M – Dog! What up?"

"Hey, errr… Parsons. Why aren't you in class?"

"B – Rad doesn't need class."

"Errr… right," I said unsure of what to do know. "I've gotta go now, bye." And like that I tore into boy's bathroom.

Wow! It is nothing like the ones at Hogwarts. There were no stone floors and concrete walls, but tile and well, ok there was still concrete. There was not a giant sink, but 3 plaster white ones with metal piping.

Hey! A mirror! Look how sexy I am. So glad I lost the hair gel now. Is that… a zit? Malfoy's don't get zits; those are for people with oily skin, like Potter. Oh, wait, that's just my nose, hee…hee…hee, never mind.

These uniforms are soooooooo, weird. There are way too many pockets and who the hell is Lincoln?

**Millicent POV**

I bet Goyle, the caveman is going to ask me to this horrid event. How did such an oaf get sorted into Slytherin? Where is the cunning? I mean really. Who knows how he passes the exams? He's not even hot. All the Slytherins guys are hot, except Goyle and Crabbe. You'd think they date. They spend so much time together. It's touching, really.

**Crabbe POV**

Goyle is really confusing me. He keeps saying, "I have this friend who likes this girl, but he doesn't know how to ask her out?" I'll die from not knowing what he is talking about. I want to know who he is talking about. Is it me? Who do I like? Who do I want to ask out? I'm his only friend really, except for Draco, who has the guts to ask any girl out. I think it's because of his rock solid abs.

"Why don't you ask that biz – nat kid?" I said. "I'd rather have **_HIM_** die then me," I muttered.

**Bradford POV**

That big, fat kid approached me. He really does need to go on the Atkins diet.

"Yo, sup dawg," I greeted his squashed ass of a face.

"Uhh… well, I don't know when we are going to eat… but grunt I need help."

"With your diet? Dawg, if it doesn't work in a month just stick a stick down your throat in front of the toilet after ya eat. Really works to slim you down for the ladies."

"Well, about that I have this friend who wants to ask this girl out but he doesn't know how to and well…" Oh so he needs advice. He wants precious advice from this lady's man. Well, it is my biz – nat to assist. "First off, your friend needs some sort of cologne or aftershave, a signature scent. Ladies love that. Oh, and some choc – co – late and flowers. They love that sort of thing. Cuz dawg they want to feel special. Dress up too."

"What do I … I mean, what does my friend say?"

"Say: Yo, you are looking fiiiiiiiine tonight. You – me – dance – September. Then grab her ass."

"Aw, well, thanks for your help."

Gosh. I'm pathetic. B – Rad shouldn't be sharing his secrets. B – Rad needs to get biz – ay to find a date

**Goyle POV**

Ok, ok I need to find a scent. Ummm… hmmmm… well I guess Draco wouldn't mind if I used some of his aftershave. "Guaranteed to make you wintertime fresh," Dab some on face More… more… there we go. How do I look? I need to go to the loo.

"Who has been using **LIBERAL** **AMOUNTS **of **MY AFTERSHAVE?** Who? Crabbe or Goyle, if it's you I'll never let you have tea with me again!"

But I love tea with Malfoy! How do I get this stuff off of myself. Uhhh… Toilet! Uhhhhh… open toilet seat. Splash water, get off, get off, scent begone. More… more… ok, I think it's gone. No, need more. There we go. That's the ticket. I guess I might as well just ask the girl. Chocolate? Check. Flowers? Check. I'll just have to go without the scent…

**Millicent POV**

Ahhh.. Food. Finally content. I am at peace. After the grueling classes is food. The wonderful, wonderful comfort of food. Why is there heavy breathing over my shoulder? And why is there the smell of ass? I'm afraid to look behind. Oh, it's that oaf, Goyle. Sniff, sniff. He has chocolate and flowers. Oh, god, he's going to ask me out. I suppose he just loves getting Christmas presents from me…

"Yo, Milly, uhh… Millicent uhh… Bulstrode. Sup? You – are – looking – fine – tonight. You – me – dance – September. Grab – her – ass."

The oaf is reading off his hand. Did he just say what I think he said?

"Oh, you really don't learn to you." I'm going to have to teach him some manners. "What did you punch say punch?"

"Will you go to the dance punch with me?"

"Hmmm… let me think… not a chance in hell."

Punch push to ground, kick, kick, punch

"Guess that's a no."

"Ugh."

"Please don't hurt me." I always knew he was a wimp. Great git thinks he can just waltz up to me and ask me on a date. Me, Millicent Bulstrode who doesn't let anybody get in her way. Plus, he smells like ass, now that's just gross.

**Ron POV**

I was sitting under a tree minding my own business when Hermione and Issac walk by. They were deep in discussion about… I dunno, something. I don't care about and Hermione was giggling. GIGGLING! What is wrong with her? She never giggles around Harry or me.

"Hey Ron!" Hermione gasped.

"Hermion, Issac," I said coldly. Ha! That shows her.

"Ron, my good man, how are you doing on this fine day?" ok, I seriously think he's mocking the British with all his BS proper talk.

I decided not to answer.

"Hellooooooooo? Ron?" Ha, my plan is working, she wants me to pay attention. I said nothing. "Ronald Weasley! What _is_ your problem?"

I didn't answer.

"Ronald Weasley! Why aren't you talking? You are being an insufferable prat!" Ouch, harsh…

"It's okay Hermione. We'll good day Ron." Good day my ass. Hey! They're gone.

I continued to sit on the grass under the weeping willow, not doing anything, just sitting and thinking. Then all of a sudden I heard footsteps. I turned around… Rosalynn.

"Hiiiiiiii Ron…" she cooed.

"Hullo," Maybe if I act like an… what did Hermione call me, oh an insufferable prat, she'll just go away.

"Sooo, Ron," uh oh, this can't be good, "I was wondering," Oh god save me now, "do you wanna go to the dance with me?"

"No," I replied bluntly.

She looked sad, but she continued, "But Ron, we have this cosmic connection," she's reminding me of Looney Lovegood, "Both our names start with R and an O."

Alright she's officially insane.

"Ummm… still, no."

"Well, why not?" She's pouting, errr… trying to.

"Cuz, you're not my type." What else was I suppose to say?

"Yes, I am. I can't be whatever type you want."

Now she's just desperate. "Not gonna work Rosalynn."

**Rosalynn POV**

Why was he turning me down? What's wrong with me? I'd do anything for him! Maybe he's just playing hard to get? Well, two can play at this game.

"Fine, I'll go ask your friend to go with me."

"Whatever Rosalynn," I love it when he says my name.

"Damn, now I've gotta go find one of his friends. Oh look there's Potter! "Oooooh Harry!"

**Harry POV**

Oh, god, Rosalynn, maybe if I pretend I don't see her, she'll just go away.

"Harry!" shit, she caught me.

"Rosalynn, good to see you, are you looking for Ron? He's out by that tree out there, well see you." Run, run, run.

"No, actually, I was looking for you." This doesn't sound good. "I was wondering if you'd go to the dance with me."

"Ummm…" gotta think fast, "but I wouldn't want to umm… take that umm… honor from Ron, so no, sorry." Ok, ok, I owe Ron big time, but I have a hard time keeping Piper away from me.

"Oh, ok." Good she's gone, but I still need to find a date for this thing. Well, it was hell at the Yule Ball. Maybe, I'll go stag… yep that's it, stag.

**Rosalynn POV**

Ron really does like me! He **IS** just playing hard to get! I'm sooooooooo incredibly happy! But I still need to find a date to make my Ron jealous. Who else came with him? Oh, yes that Neville guy. Now where would he be… He's kinda fat… oh, he'd be in the caf.

Ah ha, there he is. "Hey, Neville, whatcha doin'?"

**Neville POV**

Oh, dear god! This girl who looks like she might get violent and is coming toward me; isn't she usually around Ron? "Hey Neville, whatcha doin'?"

"Well, I'm eating."

"Whatcha eating?" Is she bonkers can't she see I'm eating pie and celery?

"So umm… what _is_ your name?"

"Rosalynn silly."

Oh dear god, I knew I shouldn't have come on this trip. She is that girl that follows Ron around. What is she doing here? I heard she is _really_ close to getting some psychiatric help. I hope it's not contagious. "Ummm… I was wondering if you wanted to go to the dance with me," she started to twirl her hair.

"What about Ron? Did you ask him? I'm sure that he…" then she put her finger to my lips.

"Shhhh… Don't talk about that demented psycho that has the most gorgeous voice and hair and oh, his freckles. He is just playing with me. We'll show him…" oh and Ron's the psycho. She is being very annoying, I want to eat my celery. "And if you don't," she whispered, "DIE, DIE, DIE hahahaha DIE."

"Well, I… I guess soooo," she is very intimidating.

"What did you say, Neville, **YOU'LL GO TO THE DANCE WITH ME. YOU WANT TO GO WITH ME. OKAY, I WILL. I'LL FORGET ABOUT RONALD…**for now. Remember be nice or you'll PAY!"

Why does some psycho have to force me to attend a dance with her? I'm a good person. I get good grades. I trip all the time and am going on a date with a stalker. What a good life.

**Hermione POV**

I slammed the door of my dormitory. Ron is so… he is such a, a **_boy_**. He really is an insufferable prat. Wait, he isn't acting like a boy, he's acting like a girl. He is like when Lavender refused to talk to Parvati and Seamus when she thought they were dating rolls eyes I better go meet Issac and apologize for Mr. Ronald Weasley's behavior. He has always been a tad bit immature, but this is an all time low. I can't understand why he was ignoring our presence for no apparent reason, honestly. I really don't know what's gotten into him.

**Issac POV**

"B – Rad why don't you just go by Bradford. It really is you name. All the Hogwarts students just avoid calling you B – Rad, they call you Parsons." I was in another dispute with Bradford III about his ridiculous name (the name he insists on everyone calling him). "Why can't we just call you Brad, at least, not this B – Rad nonsense. I'm afraid that you will become a shudder gangster."

"But that is who I am. I'm Kinetic's most wanted – Fa sha. I'm the schizzle fa nizzle and y'all better recognize. I'm big pimpin' y'all. Yo, man I gots street probs. My mama won't let me buy another Sean John jersey."

"You're just another rich gansta wannabe," Piper stepped in. "Now I have a problem, the famous Potter kid doesn't notice me. Maybe I need to lose more weight." She wandered off. Then Hermione broke our conversation. Her hair was all messed up and bushy and she looked annoyed. She saw me and ran over.

"I've been looking all over for you. I just wanted to apologize for Ron's behavior. I don't know why he was being so testy earlier and now he ignores us. He'll get over it, he always does. Ron is usually rather pleasant. I hope you don't get the wrong idea about him. He is just very protective. Maybe it's some Ginny thing."

"Oh, it's quite alright. I'm sure he has to be splendid if you are in his company. Ahhh, I bet it's a phase… just simply a phase."

"Oh, well, goodbye. I have to complete some homework before I go to dinner. I really don't want to get behind."

I don't really see why Hermione doesn't just date Ronald; they really care about each other. Why doesn't she date Harry? He's cute. I'd date him in a heartbeat, if I were a girl. But Piper wants him, so nothing can be done.

**Lavender POV**

"Really, Candice, I'd die if you weren't here. Where did you get your hair cut? Those layers really compliment your square–shaped face."

"Well, my mom does it. She used to be a hairdresser at this Muggle shop called Super Cuts."

"Hmmm…" Candice is no Parvati though. A good substitute, but not as trustworthy or interesting. I hope nothing is happening back home. If Parvati and Seamus get together I will kill them both and enjoy every minute of it.

"Blech. Why does this school food have so much celery…"


	4. No One Out Whores ME!

**Chapter 4: No One Out Whores ME!**

**Ron POV**

Tomorrow's the dance and I still don't have a date. I bet Hermione's going with Issac. Maybe I should have taken Rosalynn up on her offer… Wait! What am I thinking! No, that's insane. That girl is completely bonkers. But I can't go alone. Maybe I should ask Lavender… I don't want to be the only one without a date. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'd even take that girl whose eyes are a little close together. I sound soooo desperate.

Hey, there's Harry. I'll ask him if he's got a date.

"Harry! Got a date for the dance?"

"Why, are you gonna ask me?"

"You know, that's not a bad idea…"

"I was kidding."

"Sooo…" his face is so red, "I'm kidding!" Wow! And Hermione calls me slow.

"Oh…. Nope, I'm going stag."

"Bloody brilliant! I should have thought of that!"

Harry and I began to walk around the grounds, to explore or whatever. For a few moments we stood in silence looking at their trophy case. They're bloody show offs you know. I decided to break the silence.

"Harry, do you know if Hermione's going with anyone?"

"I dunno, that Issac kid I suppose."

"I don't like him. I think he's making fun of us or something, with all those 'chaps' and stuff, you know?"

"Are you sure you're not just jealous?"

"**_Me_**? **_Jealous_**? Of what?"

"Oh, never mind Ron. Hey wanna go to dinner? I'm starving."

"Food!" Did he even have to ask? Me and food, we just click.

**Piper POV**

Stag? STAG? Who in their right mind goes stag? "I'm sorry, but I've decided to go stag?" What kind of line is that!

Errrr! I'll show him. I'm going to get every guy to look at me at the dance. I'm gonna be freakin' Cinderella, but in a mini – skirt. That reminds me! What should I wear? I hear reds the new black…Wait… back to ranting.

**NO ONE TURNS DOWN PIPER MARIE COLLINS. NO ONE!** Potter will pay. I'll get Brad, I mean "B – Rad" to do it. Potter is going down.

"B – Rad? I have a favor to ask."

"Anything for my best friend."

"Thanks, but it concerns Potter. He turned me down, cuz apparently he's going 'stag.' No one and I repeat **_no one_** turns me down!"

"Yo, Piper, Potter'll get what's coming to him," that's when Malfoy came over with Pansy attached to his arm… again. "Heeeey Malfoy! Pansy." That whore, I swear I think she's trying to out whore me. No one out whores me. There, I'll sit on his lap.

**Malfoy POV**

This is odd, but I like it. See, I was right, I **_am_** hotter than Potter and Weasley… combined. I already have two chicks.

**Pansy POV**

That little slut! How dare she sit on Draco's lap! I'd beat the crap out of her if there weren't so many teachers around. If I get sent back, Draco will be here with this whore.

"I'm full," I heard Piper say. Did she even eat?

"Me too." Two can play at this game.

**Malfoy POV**

Did they even eat?

catches reflection in cup - I am soooooooooo hot.

**Bradford POV**

The Malfoy kid looks like he's enjoying Piper sitting on him a li – ttle too much. He better not hurt her, I have gansta friends from the hood who'll beat the shit outta him, y'all. Ya know what annoys B – Rad? Poseurs. Especially those who think they're _all_ that. They go around thinkin' that they be big pimpin' and all. Dude, just be who yous are. B – Rad **_is_** actually big pimpin'. He is a gansta y'all. Everybody else just betta re – cog – nize.

Now for that Potter dude. He will get it. We are goin' old school Straight up. Big pimpin' y'all. The master will whoop some British azz. Awww… I need to find a date. Some lucky lady gets to ride with the B – Rad. The Lavender girl will work. Easy one – night stand.

"Yo! Whaz up Lavender. You. Me. Dance. Tomorrow."

"Sorry, umm… Parsons, but my heart is with Seamus sigh"

She has a boyfriend? What other exchange girls are there? I just want to go with someone who I don't have to deal wit afta graduation. Oh, there's that Millicent girl. Why not?

"Millicent B. You are looking fiiiiiiine to – day. You. Me. Dance. Tomorrow."

**Millicent POV**

Hmmm… something sounds vaguely familiar. I guess, he just wants a present. I've been really generous this year. I'm just giving gifts left and right.

"Sooo…"

"Oh, I'd just looove to go with you… when I'm 6 ft under!" punch

"So is that a yes?" punch

"Ugggh!" punch

"I guess you don't want to go punch with me." The little git scurried up to his feet. He's running away. Oh, he is going to get it.

"Oh, you little twit."

"Don't be a playa hata."

**BradfordPOV**

She just kicked me in the balls. God! That hurts like hell.

**Crabbe POV **

I'm going on a date. My first actual date (at least without Malfoy paying off a girl…) A date! I have a date to the dance.

"Goyle, I have a date for the dance tomorrow."

"Really," he said uninterested, "Who?"

"Millicent Bulstrode."

**Goyle POV**

Milly, he is going with Milly. My Milly. Milly, my sweet, darling, precious gem. How could he? She doesn't want to go out with him. Does she? How dare he agree! I thought he was my friend! That lowly coward. How dare he take away my girl! beats up Crabbe… starts wrestling

"Get a room you two, people might think you're… you know…. Batting for the other team," Malfoy remarked. I jumped back and started thinking properly as he left.

"What is your problem, dude," I looked at him strangely and he said, "I picked it up off B – Rad. He is one of my homeys."

"Well, that was just me congratulating you."

"Oh, ok then," he is such an oaf. "This is what happened. I was just sitting at dinner eating celery pie and cake and this really good jell-o and a little bit of ice cream too when the sight of Millicent beating up B – Rad caught my attention. Then I became full and started walking in the hall, when suddenly Millicent grabs me and says, ' I'm going to the dance with him. That is why I can't go with you. I'm so sorry.'" Crabbe's little hand movements are getting kind of annoying.

"Then B – Rad says, 'All the girls are taken. Why do playas gots to have tough lives?" He left and Millicent says, 'You are going with me to keep all those half wits away from me. But it's not like you aren't a half – wit. Anyway, if you don't Christmas is coming early.' She squeezed her fists and left."

Well at least I still have a chance at Milly. She was just desperate. We will work out our differences. I love that girl.

**Hermione POV**

Oh! It's time for dinner I guess I'll have to complete my studying on Chapter 2 for the test tomorrow. I was so close too. It's a pity.

"Food at last," I thought. I didn't realize how hungry I was. I plopped down next to Harry. "Hello Harry. Ron," I nodded toward him and then just ate the celery – laden food. They just continued talking about, well, whatever they usually talk about. I let them go on until Ron blurted out, "You know, it's a wonder that Issac isn't here with you. We used to be your friends."

"You still are. I've just been spending a little more time with him. That's all. And besides he doesn't give people the cold shoulder."

"Go off with your boyfriend."

"He is _not_ my boyfriend," I said through gritted teeth.

"Then what is he? A _friend_?"

"Precisely, Ron. Or do you find it _impossible_ for a girl to be just friends with a boy. Honestly, I've been your friends throughout school and haven't ended up snogging either of you." I was so fed up that I stormed out. I do regret that now, I'm really hungry.

**Ron POV**

Girls! Who understands them? "Do you find it impossible for a girl to be friends with a boy," my ass. I can't believe Hermione! Okay, so we have been friends for… well, for a really long time and ok so we've never… snogged, but the time she's spending with Issac is just unnatural.

"You'd think she'd feel terrible about cheating on 'Vicky,'" I said under my breath, but I guess Harry heard me.

"Lighten up, Ron. Issac hasn't done anything to you and if I didn't know better, I'd think you were jealous," Harry said with a smirk.

"ME! Jealous? I'm not jealous!" Déjà vu…. "Whatever Ron."

I'm soooo not jealous. I mean Issac hasn't got anything I don't got… have…got… oh whatever. The point is; I'm just as good as that guy. Not that I'm jealous that is…

**Harry POV**

Ron and Hermione need to get over themselves. They obviously like each other, but they're both too proud to admit it. Deny, deny, deny. That's all they do. Their constant fighting is really starting to piss me off, but we all can't be mad at each other, because that wouldn't be good.

This dance has caused nothing, nothing but trouble. Well, at least it's Friday, no school for 2 whole days. But there's still that stupid dance. Why can't I just have a nice normal weekend? No threats of any kind, no fights, no school work, no… nothing, now, is that fair? I think not. Every other kid has at least one nice normal weekend. No excessive cleaning, no death threats, no homework, no fighting, no (ok, little) worries. But no I'm Harry freakin' Potter ! NO one has any clue what my life's like. I need to find someone to rant to. "Hey, Neville."


	5. I'm Soooo Good at Helping People

**Chapter 5: I'm Soooo Good at Helping People**

**Piper POV**

I got stuck going with that dumbass Bradford oh – sorry "B – Rad." He better make Potter's life hell or I'm making sure he never has a date ever again. But I do have this awesomely cute outfit. It's like a bright blue V – neck spaghetti strap shirt with this cute leather skirt and like this chainy belt. OMG! It is soooo cute and I'm sure it'll make Potter feel bad about not going with me to the dance.

Oh, I have 6 hours to get ready; that leaves just enough time to get everything done.

I walked into my room and who do I find? Pansy wearing **_MY_** outfit!

"Where did you get that?"

"I bought it last week. Isn't it cute?"

"Take that off now! Give it here bitch!"

"Look you can wear yours too. We'll just have to tell everyone that you adore me and had to copy my outfit."

That sneaky little bitch.

imagine catfight

In the end the bitch left in tears cuz I broke her nail. Oh, Pu lezz. And if that whore liked my outfit, I need something sluttier.

**Pansy POV**

That bitch! I was sitting in our room getting ready for **_MY_** dance when _she_ burst in and told me to take off my clothes. At first I was like "ha, I knew she was gay," but then she just kept going on about my outfit. As if! It was mine first.

Anyway, we got into this fight and she… she… she… she broke my nail and screwed up my outfit. I swear I'll get her back if it's the last thing I do.

So now, I'm in the bathroom. My hair is messed up, my make up's a mess and I have no outfit. I suppose I could magic an outfit, but that's too hard… hmmm… Hey! Malfoy's a fashion guru, I'll ask him.

**Malfoy POV**

I was checking out my body in the mirror in my dorm room when Pansy burst in, in tears.

"Ummm… Pansy? What…"

"Oh, Draco," she began dramatically, "it was terrible. Piper came into our room and started yelling at me about my clothes and… and… and we got in this huge fight. She tore my clothes…" and where was **_I_ **when this was happening, "and she pulled my hair…" I wonder if mud was involved… "and she broke my nail!"

"Ummm… I'm sorry," I said imagining their fight.

"I need you to fix it."

"How?"

"You're a fashion god! You find me a new outfit!"

"Sure, I suppose. You get ready and I'll have your outfit in an hour."

"Oh, thank you Draco!" she said as she hugged – choked – me.

"Errrr…" Is it a problem that I can't breathe?

**Rosalynn POV**

Tonight's the night that I win Ron's heart. I know he loves me and tonight will prove it. I will prove that I **_AM_** his type! Ha!

Now, what to wear? What to wear…

And this is where we stop Rosalynn because I'm sure you don't want to hear her unhealthy obsession with Ron or what she plans to wear

**Harry POV**

"Ron! Stop pacing! Umm… why are you pacing?"

"I want to know if Hermione is going with that prat, Issac."

"Why are you so worried? You don't like her do you?"

"Noooo!" He's still lying.

"Oh, come on! I see the way you look at her. It's quite sickening really…" I was on a roll, it's about time he comes to his senses…"just admit it or I'll tell Hermione!" I got him.

"I don't like Hermione, so there is nothing to tell her." Damn.

**Ron POV**

I don't know what Harry's playing at. I don't like Hermione. He is so obsessed with this. Hmm… maybe he likes her. That would explain it.

**Harry POV**

He is still lying, but how to get it out of him…

**Lavender POV**

I've had this planned out days in advance – ever since they announced it. I am going to look sooooooo cute. OMG! I decided that puff mini is so like 5 minutes ago. Candice is keeping me up on all the US trends and gave me loads of magazines to read. (I think I'm getting the hang of this Californian lingo) So I think that I'll wear that metallically purple ruched V – neck tank dress from Candice's closet. Oh, and my black kitten heel shoes. Thank goodness for Teen Witch and Cosmo Witch!

I miss Seamus so much! I love his gorgeous face and that voice. The way he says, "Can I borrow a quill," is soooo enchanting. He says, "Can I…"He is such a gentleman. Whenever he passes me he smiles at me. That just makes my heart sink into my stomach. Ohhh, if Parvati makes one move on him, they will both die a very painful death. I'll make sure of that. First I'll…

We have to stop here because the details are far too gruesome to write out. If we did so we would have to raise the rating to 'R' or 'M' or whatever the highest rating is

**Neville POV**

Is she here? Please don't be here. Oh thank goodness, the common room is empty. She has been following me **_ALL_** day, asking me what I'm going to wear so we can coordinate our outfits. Rosalynn should have gone with Ron, why did he have to go stag? Oh gosh, I'm hyperventilating. I need a brown paper bag! The walls are closing in! I'm going to be fine. Rosalynn is gone. Breathe in, breathe out; take in nice deep breaths. Inhale, count to six. Hold for a second and then exhale. IT'S NOT WORKING! **IT'S NOT WORKING!**

****"Hey Neville!" I hear Harry.

"Brown – paper – bag. Need – brown – paper – bag."

"Okay, I'll get you a bag." Bring it fast Harry. Finally here. Breathe in and watch the bag shrink. Breathe out and watch the bag grow. Why is Harry ranting about his life? He thinks he has it tough?

"Harry! I don't CARE about YOUR life. Do you have to go out with **ROSALYNN KATHER**? Do you have to deal with a stalker who gives you **_DEATH THREATS_** if you don't attend a **_DANCE_** with them? Well? I bet there isn't someone who follows you around telling you that her pink dress would go good with a PINK SHIRT! Is there? IS THERE? **IS THERE!** NO! No there isn't!"

"Neville, I've never seen this side of you before. And besides pink is a very manly color."

"**MANLY?** You think that just because you're Harry frickin' Potter, we should all listen to you! Well we don't want to! I'm leaving!" Why did I leave? Rosalynn's right there.

"Rosalynn, I umm… left something in the umm… Arithmancy classroom. I need to go get it."

"But you don't take Arithmancy… do you?"

"Maybe I should… She's coming after me… oh wait, she ran into Goyle. Thank God!

**Crabbe POV**

I'm going on a date!

**Goyle POV**

Crabbe's going on a date – with MY Milly. I'm going to win her back. She loves me, but doesn't know it yet.

**Millicent POV**

I'm going on a date with the oaf who looks like an ape. Well, it's better then that "B – Rad" shudder, the Atkins diet spokes girl (not a typo) or oaf #2… I'm so lucky rolls eyes

**Issac POV**

Well, the dance is in two hours. Hermione and I will have a splendid time. Oh, I look dashing in this color!

**Hermione POV**

"You look so good. You are soooo lucky to have me as a friend."

Lucky. Right. I'm dressed up for a school event when I could have just worn my school clothes. It's a waste of a solid 2 hours. I could have been reading! Lavender insisted on "making Hogwarts look like a fashionable school." And that is how I ended up looking like a Lavender clone.

Two Hours Ago

"Why aren't you ready for the dance? Oh, no. Do not tell me you are wearing **_that_**."

"Um… yes, I am wearing this." What's wrong with my school clothes? I'm not going to spend hours preparing for a dance. A _casual_ dance nonetheless. I mean, the Yule Ball was bad enough for all the preparations. I'll admit it, I kind of like dressing up and looking pretty and being viewed as a girl and other stuff too, but this, this just isn't sensible.

"Ohhhhhh, no! You're not gonna. I won't let you leave until you look better."

"Lavender, I guess we're not going to the dance, barricading the door won't matter to me." I just sat down on my bed and proceeded in reading up on ancient runes. She snatched the book out of my hand and dangled it out the window over an unusually large puddle of water.

"Get changed or ancient runes goes bye – bye." She wouldn't drop it… would she?

"One… Two…" How dare she!

"Fine, fine, you win. I'll get into different clothing. Now give me back my book… Thank you."

"I'm gong to get Candice." Yes! I can finish my page…. NO! They're back. That was really fast. I guess the urge to dress somebody up is really overpowering.

"Now Hermione," Candice said, "Pick out three different outfits that you would choose to wear to the dance. We'll start with that."

There isn't really much to choose from. I only have so much room in my trunk for books and school things. There is not a lot of space left over for other clothes. Muggle clothes are not at the top of my list of things I need for school. Here are my choices: my school robes, jeans and a maroon shirt, and a skirt and sweater.

"Here are my choices. My third is what I'm wearing now: my school robes."

"They are very, um… simple?" Candice said gently.

Lavender agreed, "Simple indeed. I think we can do with the black skirt. The rest will have to go."

"Yes. Wait here. I have this top." Candice left. I don't know what's in store. I've seen what Candice ones. Here she is, with a burgundy flutter sleeve top. Not bad, I guess.

"Perfect!" Candice exclaimed, "I heard this was your school color. Now we must find the shoes that will pull everything together."

"Our school color is scarlet, but it's close. I couldn't wear it though, it's yours and I don't think it's my style."

Lavender broke in, "Hermione, you haven't had much close interaction with girls. We share stuff all the time. Just try it on."

"Fine."

"OMG! It looks soooo pretty on you!"

"I'm not wearing this. I feel so uncomfortable. It's so unlike me. I'll just wear a sweater."

"No," Lavender ordered as she slapped my hand away from my choice, "You look nice and you will wear it and like it! We **_will_** make Hogwarts look like a fashionable school. Go put on some shoes."

I came out with black sneakers.

Candice immediately jumped, "No sneakers! Nice shoes! What about those gold heels at the edge of your trunk. Wear those," I stared at her. "Or we kill your book."

"Fine," They need to stop blackmailing me. My mother made me pack those shoes for when "an unexpected occasion" pops up. Curse Lavender/Candice. And those shoes! And their fashion sense!

**Lavender POV**

I'm soooo good at helping people.


	6. Neville's Magenta Shirt

**AN: We uploaded the wrong chapter earlier today, andwe just noticed that. we guess that's why the story sounded a little weird right there. These next chapters are kinda weird, but they gave us a good laugh, so... yeahs!**

**Chapter 6: Neville's Magenta Shirt**

**Ron POV**

"Harry! Get your ass down here now!" I screeched.

"What's your hurry?" Harry replied casually as he came down the stairs.

"We're already ½ an hour late."

"Relax, we're fashionably late."

"So, first you take a huge amount of time to get ready and then, you talk about fashion. Mate, I think you've turned into a girl."

"You just noticed," Harry answered in a high falsetto voice, "I'm insulted." Whoa! Déjà vu! It was like the Yule ball all over again.

"Shut up," was all I managed to say.

"Come one, you're not still jealous about Mosley are you?"

"Why would I be?" I grumbled as we walked down the hall and I started to hear music.

"He's going with Hermione."

"Err… who?" I tried to sound nonchalant.

"Hey, it's muggle music!" Harry stopped to adjust his emerald green collared shirt. I rolled my eyes and just kept walking. When he was done he ran up to me and shoved me into the caf.

It was decorated with cheesy Muggle decorations. It looked as if the students had done it themselves. Sad really, but it doesn't really matter to me.

Hey! Where did Harry go?

He's dancing already! And he just left me here? Best mate my ass Potter.

**Harry POV**

I felt bad about ditching Ron, but I couldn't help it. This tall blonde just pulled me on to the dance floor. I didn't want to seem rude, so I stayed.

**Malfoy POV**

"Draco," I heard Pansy whine, "I'm the girl; you wait for me!"

I sighed, gave my hair one last final fix, grabbed my nicest black silk cloak and went downstairs.

"Are you happy now Pansy? You really shouldn't upset the mastermind behind your extremely stylish outfit."

"Sorry, Draco," she said before grabbing my arm and dragging me to the dance. "I just didn't want to be, you know, tackily late."

She made a good point.

Before we entered the caf, she made a quick adjustment to her short green and black pinstripe skirt and silver spaghetti strap shirt and black blazer. I am a genius! When she was satisfied we entered the room.

"Nothing like Hogwarts," I muttered as Pansy attached herself to me again.

She began to parade me around the room when I heard the door open and loud rap music begin to play…

It was Parsons and Piper.

The first thing I noticed was their outfits. Parsons was wearing an oversize jersey and huge baggy pants that hung so low you could see his plaid boxers. No one wants to see that. Americans have no fashion sense. Piper on the other hand, did. Her outfit was a short pleated brown skirt with knee high leather boots and lavender tee shirt with an extremely low neck line.

"Dracoooooooo…" Pansy, again, "their entrance was better than ours, but her outfit is sooooooo last season."

"How would you know?" I snapped. Hey, she's really annoying.

"Yo, Malfoy!" Parsons said as he walked up to us.

"Hi Draco!" Piper said seductively. I should be with her. At least she has a fashion sense.

"You seen Potter," Parsons asked.

"Gladly, no"

"Well, if you see him, tell him we have some biz – nat to take care of."

"Well, there's Weasley, ask him." Parsons is starting to annoy me.

"Bye Draco," Piper cooed. Pansy scowled.

**Ron POV**

I was minding my own business, looking for Hermione when Parsons came up behind me and pushed m. I stumbled and heard Piper giggle.

"Where's Potter?"

"With some girl," I replied coolly.

"What no Rosalynn? I bet she's heartbroken," Piper sneered.

I began to walk away, but Parsons stopped me. "When you see him, tell him we have some business to take care of."

I looked at him and raised an eyebrow.

"I'll send Rosie over if I see her," Piper said as she left.

She's an evil, prettier form of Pansy, but she looks vaguely like Hermione. I thought as my mind began to drift. Suddenly, I was bumped into again.

It was Rosalynn dragging Neville.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry!" Rosalynn said. "Oh, it's just you."

"Nice shirt Neville," I said as I tried not to laugh at his pink shirt.

Neville sneered and flipped me off.

"What's with you?" I asked shocked.

"He's just…" Rosalynn began to defend him.

**Rosalynn POV**

"… Ummm, tired. We've had a long night."

Ew, this guy is touching me. How I wish I was with Ron. This shirt I had Neville wear would match Ron's fiery red hair soooooooooo much better. No Rosalynn, stay strong. Make him come to you.

"Come on Neville," ha got his name right, "Lets dance. See ya Ron."

Damn, now I've gotta dance with this oaf. He better not step on my new pink ballet flats.

**Ron POV**

Good, she's gone. That girl is a bloody stalker, I tell you. Bloody insane that one is. Poor, poor Neville.

**Harry POV**

I've been dancing for a ½ an hour straight. I don't even know these girls, but they keep making me dance.

"Yo, Potter!" I turned around and came face to face with Parsons.

"Yes?"

"We have some biz – nat to take care of. You rejected Piper." This was awkward. I saw Piper making fake sobs on Parsons's shoulder. Americans are so weird.

"So what? Are we gonna duel," I can't compare hundreds of dementors or a bunch of death eaters to him. I'll beat him no problem.

"No. We're gonna do this old school, yo!"

**Pansy POV**

Where is that little bitch? I need to make her jealous of me and Draco. There's no need for me to continue giving Malfoy a lap dance, if she's not here.

**Malfoy POV**

Pansy's kinda scaring me right now, but it could be worse, I guess…

**Ron POV**

I was watching Pansy give Malfoy a lap dance (where are the teachers when you need them) when Harry came running over.

"Ron… need… your… help," he panted.

"Sure mate. What is it?"

"Just come on. We need to get Neville too. He could be helpful I guess."

I wonder if this has to do with what Parsons was talking about before? Who knows…

So I followed Harry through the crowd. It was hard to hear and it was crowded. Then I saw Neville although he was kinda hard to miss, with that magenta shirt and all. "Oy! Neville. Harry needs your help."

"What for?"

"Dunno. Come on, it sounds urgent!"

**Rosalynn POV**

I bet Ron came over here, so that he could see me. Oh, he's taking Neville away. I bet he's jealous.

**Piper POV**

This should be interesting. I thought as I examined my French manicure. It was perfect, just like me. Potter deserves this though. He **did **reject **me**!


	7. The Riverdance

_**Caveat: **Weirdness ahead! We do not know that much about dance-offs…I for one have never witnessed one. _

_**Disclaimer**: We do not own Harry Potter… "You Got Served"…songs mentioned…_

_**Also**: We also do not mean to offend anybody…gymnasts (my cousin was one…a very dedicated one—now she just teaches it to little kids)…break-dancers…Americans (we are two very insane ones)…British anything…Britney Spears_ (well, kind of) ... _the Riverdance and any thing else that we've forgotten to mention..._

**Chapter 7: The River Dance**

**Harry POV**

"Okay, we're here." This is insane. I take back Americans being weird, Americans are bloody insane! And what's a dance-off anyway?

**Issac POV**

A dance-off. That will be interesting, in the least. Usually I love dancing, but a dance-off is ridiculous. I'm not even sure that the exchange students know what one is …at least in the way that he is thinking. I think it is a Muggle thing. What _will_ Bradford think of next?

"Yo Issac. Get over herre," Bradford said as he rolled his 'r's.

"Hermione. C'mon." There goes Hermione to her respective side. I guess I'll go. I walk over and we were aligned like this:

NevilleRonHarryHermione

PiperBradford Me

"Now, this is a dance – off yo."

"What _is_ a dance off?" Neville asked.

"Oh, you'll see," Bradford said nodding his head.

"This is ridiculous. I'm **not** taking part in it. Why can't we just deal with this like _normal_ people?" Hermione said randomly as she stormed off.

"This sort of thing doesn't suit me either, old chap. I'll have to decline," I told my dear friend.

"You'll be the judges. See who gots the most applause, yo." There goes Bradford and his grammar…

"Fine! We'll be the judges," Hermione said. Piper left Bradford alone and Neville tried to leave, but Ron grabbed his magenta shirt (nice color by the way) and forced him to stay.

Bradford stood in the center and nodded his head back in both directions. Suddenly, a storm of 20 people came over and stood behind him in a perfect triangle formation. All I hear is the music starting up and Ronald saying, "Bloody hell, Harry."

**Ron POV**

A **DANCE-**off! What the bloody hell! This Parsons kid is off his rocker. The music started and they turned around and were walking toward the door… _Maybe_ they're leaving.

…

Guess not. Now he's just uh, swaying his hips from side to side…but they _are_ facing the door and not us.

…

They just jumped around to face us, oh the horror begins.

…

Well, now they're coming toward us – two steps at a time.

_  
_…

They stopped and thrust their chest forward and punched their arms back...you know, it kind of looks like Percy (the pompous git.)

…

Ugh! Now the group is moving their chests in circular motions. **_Circular motions_**… if only Fred and George were here, maybe then I could at least laugh at this.

_  
_…

They stopped again. This is like they're having a seizure…

_  
_…

The group is walking in their cocky way, again. Reminds me a bit of Lockhart… Insane Americans, just like him…

…

Who came up with these moves? They're punching forward in an "x" then thrusting arms back again to the music.

_  
_…

Insert a very fast – paced thing involving pivoting to one side and waving arms in the air in a silly fashion

_  
_…

It's actually kind of amusing to watch them spin around in circles.

_  
_…

Parsons does this intricate break-dancing routine while others cheer him on. There are no words for this… NO WORDS!

…

The rest of the song and more odd dancing, but with odd smearing of hands around torso. This guy is bloody insane, I tell you, bloody insane.

_  
_…

They clapped their hands above their head and seem _really_ into this thing.

…

They are moving their hips side to side, lovely sight… really rolls eyes

_  
_…

Still moving hips (how very in sync with the music), but mouthing lyrics seductively to Neville. Ummm… ew. I think Neville wants to run away… oh, no, Harry stopped him.

_  
_…

The group of twenty stopped abruptly so they could catch their breath...and they started up again.

_  
_…

They turned around and started walking back, they flipped. Who knew they were such good gymnasts? It is kind of scary, actually.

_  
_…

B – Rad alone crossed his arms into an x and with die they all lift up their right leg. Is this just me or do they look like a dog peeing on a fire hydrant? I can't believe this is happening.

_  
_…

They're spinning around again. This is now just getting a little less frightening, just a little.

_  
_…

There they go on another break – dancing routine that looks to freakish to be normal. Again, its _scary_ I tell you.

**Harry POV**

Now they're dropping to the floor; what'll happen next? I think I've seen enough… weirdness to last me a lifetime.

…

They just moved their whole torso in a circle. Don't strippers do this kind of stuff? Not that I would know…

_  
_…

Oh dear god. They are coming toward us!

_  
_…

Ok, getting a little too close for comfort. They are dangerously close to grinding up against us. Plus, Parsons keeps eying Neville and licking his lips.

_  
_…

Thank goodness they're backing up now. Poor Neville started hyperventilating and Ron fainted. Ok, so it's still not better, but now they're simultaneously doing the robot.

_  
_…

**Neville POV**

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

**Hermione POV**

That is the stupidest thing I've had the misfortune to witness. They call _that_ dancing. Anyway, after Parsons and his dancing group finished their routine, we were left in utter silence. I suspect Ron, Harry, and Neville were supposed to dance directly afterward, but they just stood there. After about two minutes Parsons said, "Dance, fool."

In 30 seconds the oddest comments followed. Some random boy yelled, "You got served," and rolled his r's, again. Mostly everyone started laughing and nodding in agreement.

Then a sandy haired boy in a red sweatshirt yelled, "Burn, scratch a motive."

What? I've heard the first phrase, but that one was a bit strange. Everyone else looked confused and went on in their silence.

Parsons then said in a menacing tone, "You just mad cuz you suckas got served. SERVED, SERVED, SERVED, SERVED, SERVED," he chanted as the crowd went along with him. Harry sent me a desperate glare. I stared back urging him to do something, anything. He just stared back. I sent him another look that told him I'd try and think of something. Harry knows better then to make me think under pressure. After awhile I came up with the right spell and muttered the proper words. They did something, but not what I had hoped for.

**Harry POV**

The river dance! The brilliant, top of the class Hermione Granger made us do the **RIVER DANCE!** Nice going _Hermione_.

I could feel my body move rapidly, I kinda felt like I was under the Imperio curse, but I can control that. I looked to my left and saw Ron and Neville's faces. Ron's face was bright red and Neville, well Neville looked like he was gonna pass out.

If I ever stop dancing I am going to kill Hermione. Next time I'm in a shudder dance – off, I expect her to think longer before casting a spell.

Good, we've finally stopped dancing. Wow, is Neville out of breath. I hope he's okay; someone should really bring a trash can over here. Ha! Ron looks like an over ripe tomato, but I can't blame him. As we stopped dancing I heard a thunderous laughter. Parsons was on the floor clutching his side.

**Ron POV**

I will **kill** **_Hermione_**! That was almost as embarrassing as the time… never mind… just forget it.

"Come on, you three," Hermione said quietly.

"Hermione?" Harry began.

"Yes, Harry?" Hermione said shyly.

"I hate you."

Hermione blushed. I almost felt sorry for her, but then I remembered she made **_us_** do the **_river dance_**.

**Pansy POV**

Wow! A dance-off is weird. Maybe I should challenge Collins to a dance off for Draco. I'd kick her ass!

**Piper POV**

Parkinson's is looking at me and I **_don't_** swing that way.

A/N: The song is Britney Spears "Me Against the Music" and if you have a hard time picturing it… well, look at her video or something. The last part with the whole "served" chanting is from the movie _You Got Served_…which we do not own. If you're having any trouble imagining this either: A) Watch the video on or B) Email us and we'll send you the version with the lyrics. So, please, review (we like encouragement considering we haven't updated in months and am not sure we have that "talent" anymore).

_Oh, and about the "Burn scratch a motive"…well this guy that I had second period math with last year always used to say that…and he has sandy hair and wears a red Stanford sweatshirt a lot so I decided that he could make a cameo in this chapter and use his signature phrase. I do not know whether or not he still uses it anymore. . _


	8. California is known for Earthquakes

_**Disclaimer: **This is Tea Cozys in the hizzhouse! Just kidding. I own my name, but that's about it. Thank you, that is all. _

**Chapter 8: California is Known for Earthquakes**

**Ron POV**

"So, it is Hermione's birthday next week," Harry said as he ran up next to me in the hallway.

"Yeah, I know; the 19th." Of course I know!

"Yeah, so… I was thinking that we should throw her a party."

"Bloody brilliant Harry! Do you have any ideas?"

"Well, to be honest, that's why I asked you."

"Hmmm… well, it should be a surprise party…" I replied practically straining my brain. I wanted Hermione's birthday to be perfect.

"Yeah, good idea and we'll invite Neville, Lavender and… well, I guess Lavender's new friend. It'll be fun."

"But not Rosalynn," I said sternly. "She can NEVER find out!" that girl is bloody insane I tell you, **BLOODY INSANE**.

"So, I was thinking of a karaoke party."

"Huh?" What the bloody hell was karaoke, obviously Harry could tell I was confused so he continued.

"Karaoke is this thing that Muggles do. You pick a song and the words show up on a screen and well… you sing," he motioned.

"That doesn't sound like fun. I'm not sure Hermione would like that." Which was true, and first of all there is no way in hell that am I going to sing and second of all I have never seen Hermione sing, so I assume she doesn't want to, **EVER**.

"Yes she will. I caught her singing in the bathroom at you house this one time," Harry said nonchalantly.

"What!"

"No! Not like that. I could hear her through the walls."

Wow! Was that a relief.

"Anyway, she has a great voice and she should share it."

"I'm not so sure about this…"

"There's this magical karaoke place in town that this girl was telling me about."

"Sure, why not," I said defeated. "Come on Harry, we have Charms."

**Piper POV**

OMFG! My birthday is gonna be frickin' awesome. September 19 should be made a holiday. I'm going to go to this opening of the 1st magical karaoke bar. Because I am just that fabulous.

Oooooh, there's Malfoy and that cow Parkinson isn't with him, for once.

"Hiiiiii Draco!"

"Hey Piper." Ok that wasn't as sexy as I'm sure he thought he sounded, but that's ok, he's hot.

"So, my birthday's next week," I coyly said.

"Really?" He raised his left eyebrow.

"Yeah, are you gonna buy me a big expensive gift?"

"Perhaps…"

"What if I invited you to my totally awesome birthday party?"

"Maybe."

"Tell Crabbe, Goyle, and Millicent, oh and I suppose Pansy can come too. It's on Friday. See you then, or hopefully sooner." I winked and turned on the heel of my bright green stiletto heels.

I freaking rule!

**Bradford POV**

That was hella funny. My dance was supa fly. It was the shizznit. I would bounce if I were them, BOUNCE! Piper's birthday is coming up. It's karaoke at the new place. It'll be off the chain.

**Lavender POV**

You try and make your school seem nice, right _**sniff**_but then somebody goes and ruins it _**sniffle**_ It's just not fair. They had to do the river dance and ruin our reputation _**sniff**_ What did I do to deserve this? Here come the little twits now.

**Neville POV**

This is turning out to be a great week _**rolls eyes**_ I've gone out with a psychotic stalker to the dance only to humiliate myself by doing the River dance, then I did a spell wrong and got sent to the nurse and now I'm going to humiliate myself in karaoke for Hermione's birthday.

Harry and Ron approached me away from Hermione (which wasn't hard because she's always with Issac) and let me in on their idea. They wanted me to help them plan it. "Why me? Do I look like I'd be any better at planning a girl's surprise birthday party?" I questioned them. Then I got to thinking about it, and okay, so maybe I seem a little more capable. Harry has never been to a birthday party and Ron, well, he's just clueless. "Okay, okay, I'll try and help you but I say ask a girl. Like Lavender… yeah, she loves stuff like this." Then they dragged me off to see her.

"Lavender, we need your help."

"Oh, really. Like _I_ didn't know _that_," she gasped between sobs. Then she muttered something involving the words reputation and bastards.

"Ummm… Lavender is it that time of the month?" Ron asked. Harry whacked Ron upside the head. "Just asking; she's all moody and emotional right now."

"I'm right here you know! I'm not stupid. Everything is your fault! You made us all seem like such geeks! This guy came up to me and said, "You're from that freak school, right." **_gasp sniffle_**

"Well, we really need your help," Harry pleaded.

"How insensitive are you? I'm here spilling out all of my problems and you're asking me for help!" she gasped.

"Yeah, anyway, we need help planning Hermione's surprise karaoke birthday party," Ron started. Luckily Lavender perked up.

"Birthday! Of course I'll help you plan! I have a great concept. Her birthday is a week away, right? You gave me ONE WEEK to plan a party! It's okay, I'll find a way. You are so lucky it is for Hermione, she didn't embarrass our school by doing the River dance," Lavender rambled on and muttered to herself while we decided in silence not to tell her it was Hermione's fault we _did_ do the River dance.

"Bye Lavender," I said.

"Oh, this is going to be soooo much fun!" I heard her call back, but by that time she was off in her own little world.

**Hermione POV**

It's my birthday next week and quite frankly I just want to stay in the common (what they a call "rec") room with my book and stay away from all the drama.

**Issac POV**

Piper is having her birthday party next week at a karaoke place. I wonder what I should give her. Potpourri makes a nice gift…

**Goyle POV**

A party! I need to find the perfect song to sing to Milly. She must know how I feel.

**Crabbe POV**

I wonder if there will be food. I love eating food. Food, food, food, food. Yum. Food.

**Millicent POV**

Malfoy's dragging his posse and me to some American whore's birthday party. It's something called karaoke. It's like singing along to music or something like that… all I know for certain is that I'm not doing it.

Goyle tried yet again to make me go out with him. He professed his undying love for me. Ha! Like that would make me go near him! I kicked his ass though, but somehow it wasn't all that satisfying this time. Hmmm… is Millicent Bulstrode going soft? Nah.

**Malfoy POV**

Did you see those idiots? They did the River dance. How low can you go? They can no longer hold that stupid ferret incident over my head (although I **_was_** a damn sexy ferret cuz I do look good in white, hell I look good in everything).

Hmmm… now what should I wear today, well I dooooo look good in everything. Damn! I just can't get over how unbelievably sexy I am. Ooooh, leather.

Wait.

Is the ground shaking? Hey! California is known for its earthquakes. Oh, crap, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die, I'm…

Oh, it's just Crabbe and Goyle.

"Oy, Goyle!" I said to the buffoon as he blundered in covering his left eye. "What the hell happened to you?"

"Durrr…" was all he managed to say.

But, Crabbe grunted, "Millicent beat the crap out of him."

"Again," I said in a monotone. This has happened too many times, he is such a wuss. "God Goyle, how can you let a girl beat the crap out of you?"

All Goyle did was whimper.

"You're hopeless," I sighed and left the room, Goyle and Crabbe had ruined the atmosphere. I guess I'll just have to keep what I have on.


End file.
